It’s July and hotter than hell here in the south central U.S. A year ago this time I was spending every hour possible at this keyboard awaiting my destiny. There was this tiny little window of opportunity for he and I to spend one last fraction of time together before he relocated to a full-time post that would eliminate our ability to meet. We messaged each other passively, never online at the same time. His schedule with family and friends was tentative at best but there was that tiny little hope, maybe he could slip away. As July slipped into August and he had to report for duty, I knew it was time to close the window.
The window has been closed for nearly a year now. I clean it regularly when I take a few minutes from my busy schedule to cherish the memory of us. I say that it is closed, but that isn’t really true. We still communicate, passively, on our personal blog. For the first six months I still maintained my journal there daily and about once a week he would find time to slip into our home and leave foot prints on the carpet as he left a note to let me know I wasn’t far from his thoughts. He is proud of me and concerns for my safety are a reoccurring topic. Yet he never fails to remind that passion is what propels us in life and he is proud that I continue to nurture it in mine.
Knowing that we have that avenue to share, touch and interact has been both a blessing and a curse for me. Due to the distance and dynamic of our relationship, the blog really was our home – the center of all that was us. When I have a bad day I want to curl up in the confines of it, share every detail knowing that one little sentence from him will chase the bad day away. When I have a good day, I leap to the pages with exuberant energy so that I can rub it against him. When I question a decision I need to make or encounter something I’m just a bit uncomfortable with I want his opinion. Yet the curse is knowing that the moment will have passed by the time he sneaks inside. So I’ve disciplined myself … slowly and with some heartache … to only post the highlights of my life, at first weekly, then monthly and now it has grown even more sparse.
Forever doesn’t end, not when you really give yourself to someone as I gave myself to Mr. Wonderful. He will always hold a part of me that was only for him. I will always have a part of him that was only for me. So I’ll keep the window shiny, in good repair and who knows maybe even open it so the cool calming breeze of memories can sweep over me. I wonder if he does the same? <smile> I’m pretty sure he does after all his pocket isn’t the same without me.
In case your wondering what this July holds for me, I can assure you it includes very little time at a keyboard. I’m active in the local BDSM community as the outreach community coordinator. I introduce newbies to the lifestyle through support groups, educational opportunities and mentor programs. We are finalizing the details on a new dungeon for the area that I’ve had some input toward. I have a local protector now as well as my long standing relationship with Gear as my mentor. I play with my protector as a part of the mentor program, more of a demo dummy I suppose. I also have a play partner locally who I’m a bit more intimate with as my protector and I have a ‘no sex’ limitation in our agreement. I’m in a good place, working and busy with kids, family and friends. I miss him. I suppose if I didn’t then he wouldn’t have accomplished all he intended where I’m concerned. For when we truly touch someone, it last forever.