It seems the more I try, opt word try, to distance myself from being the other woman the more aware I become of what a significant part of my life and how it has affected who I am.
As blissfully wonderful as my affair was there were some very dark shadows that surrounded it. In the end I had to confront those shadows, taking responsibility for my part in them. As I tend to do in such situations I allowed it to suck the life blood from me for a much longer period of time than I should have. (the confronting part, not the affair -just to be clear) I don’t look in the mirror too well, believe it or not.
It has taken me a good solid month of peeking and poking around before I could stand up straight, acknowledge certain circumstances and square my shoulders again. When I first joined fetlife I recall a message I received from someone who had formerly been the other woman. She was so bitter, scornful and her words felt like venom hitting my skin. At that time I determined to never be ‘that woman’.
There is nothing like the steps of experience to reveal our true character, nature and direction. I know what heartache, pain and loneliness are. I have lived with them, but not as a result of my relationship with Mr. Wonderful. The affair was a constant state of longing for me. Longing is a pull from an outside source. It is not an internal emotion. So I had to choose the emotions I used to respond/react to the overwhelming longing I felt. At times I chose hurt, other times I cried in sadness, occasionally I wrap it in wanton desire so it would flow toward the source of my longing. Most of all I felt determined.
Since the night that we discussed my release I’ve not shed a tear. I have nothing to mourn. All that we were are still remains with me because I have chosen to give it place in my life. I still long for him and perhaps I always will. Yet, I have discovered something absolutely magical that has evolved from being the other woman.
I’m going to generalize this statement because I have enough proof to support it, but please don’t take it personally if it doesn’t fit you. Women have an innate sense of needing defined. I think it holds true for (generally) all women but more so for submissive and slave natured women. There is no truer, raw, bare bones defining moment in life than when one has to come to terms with “Why I am the other woman.”
We’ve discussed a lot lately about the accusation of others, through out the site. People are quick to give us labels but it is up to us to choose to wear them. Others can not, not even my dominant, define who we are and why we do what we do with our lives. It is our choice and our choice alone.
It’s empowering in a way that so many women in every facet of relationships will never have the honor of discovering. They, “we”, are so quick to fall into the entrapment of our environment, loosing our identity to that of our husbands, children or careers. As the other woman I was never more aware in my life of WHO I AM.
I took a break from studying tonight to ruffle through some of the archive conversations I had with Mr. Wonderful. I caught myself laughing at the number of times I question him, why me? I am a validation whore at heart. Then I discovered the real answer, one that no one can ever release, remove, taint or talk about; because I am me and I am wonderful.
Just a pondering thought … hope you don’t mind. ((hugs to all)) Goodnight ~ pixie
